As i lay asleep, i often have dreams, some nightmares; and some more beautiful than
i can think of in a sober state of mind.
As they say, dreams are a pathway to old memories. I realized so only lately. If
there ever was a word for those dreams i would describe them as "ambivalent". These
dreams often change the way you look at yourself, feel about yourself and how you
measure your self worth.
One such dreams made me aware of my deepest flaws. Something that i thought i was
absolutely fine with : my complete lack of respect for relationships.
As i lay with my eyes closed i see a figure, of divine mercy gently grasping my
whole existence. And thus i remembered a deeply rooted memory, My mother holding
me on her chest wrapped on a layer of protective carpet. It was the time of an
earthquake of a magnitude of greater than 7. We had felt slight tremors while going
to sleep, thinking of it as nothing we went to sleep. When i woke up i realize i was
completely cocooned in a carpet and was being held by my mother in a way which she
covered my body completely. I woke up as the innocent child as i was not realizing
what i realize now. She must have been unable to carry me outside. Realizing that
there was no way she could do anything to get out with me she wrapped a carpet
around me and protected me with her body as a cushion from the entire roof falling
on me and killing me. She had full intention of letting go of her life
to be able secure my life.
I realize this and also know i cannot do the same for her.
This will remain my jealousy.